dean kesler

The walk with Sitka last night was bittersweet and introspective. I cherish the time I get to spend with such an incredible companion of over 15 years and dread the inevitable end of our time together. Though he can still get around slowly, he stumbles a lot and needs to rest frequently during our walks. It is clear that he’s close to being done.

Walking with Sitka past the house I’ve spent so much time dreaming about, planning, building, and enjoying, was a melancholy experience as well. Sitka and I walk past it all the time but with the sun setting, the leaves gently falling, and with the reality of the situation re-framing my perspective, the gravity of the transition really struck me.

With the house soon to be gone, losing Tobie last year, the demise of my primary relationship this year, and the sands quickly draining from Sitka’s hourglass, my entire immediate family and my home will have evaporated in a very small window of time.

It’s somewhat overwhelming to consider the amount of change I have experienced in the last several months and the change I’ve yet to encounter in the next several. While I’d like for this to feel like Spring for me as a time of hope and renewal in my life, I can’t help but feel like its Fall and I’m heading into the challenge of a cold and barren transition.

The past 18 months have made me a much stronger and wiser person and I understand that things are better for me and will continue to improve. My therapist would tell me to not hurry through letting go and not to fight the sadness that comes with it. She would certainly be right and I will heed that advice.

Time to hunker down and draw a little closer to a warm fire, preparing for the Winter ahead and looking forward to a more glorious Spring…

Sitka & I coming home after a Fall walk